What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
16.06.2025 02:44
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Teens like me, what are your expectations when entering adulthood?
So whats the point in blame.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Why do men choose to marry a plain Jane woman over a pretty woman?
He resisted the act ,that day.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
What is it like to date a women 20 years younger than yourself?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why after 50 years of being straight do I constantly desire to suck cock?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was 9 years of age.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Comes on , in middle age.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Put me off passion for life!!
Im still living with it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He said he loves me, but why is it difficult for him to leave his wife?
When she asked me how she looked .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why are black people harassed more by police officers?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
(And it was in our own minds.)
My life is so biszare .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My family never makes their pension either.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One cannot live in the past .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was seconnd youngest,
Especially a lifetime of it.
But, we were locked up after school.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I have no regrets .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She married twice! .
I think the readers, may guess!
I don,t even have a pension.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He knew the spot.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i do to all so called friends.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Who then, do I blame.?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Would this be the day?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Ive learnt so much.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I will be 64.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
All the time i was locked up.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I said to her
I couldn’t, believe it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was scared of men, in general
We were not on the streets..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
What did i know ?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So, i spoilt her more .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But it wasn’t much.
I waited trembling.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She found it foreign!.
She wouldn,t have been !
I write beautiful poetry .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
This is soul school!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And i lived it daily.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She was in good health!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
It was going to be , some day.
She loved him until the end.